Every so often...

Every so often an issue of importance worms its way into my consciousness.  Some of these evaporate before I can react, but others stay with me long enough that I actually think about them.  And I ponder a sub-set of these to the extent that I actually form an opinion, change my mind-set, and in the rarest cases, take some action. 

A little over a year ago, a friend of mine was diagnosed with a nasty illness.  I’ve dealt with many family illnesses, each in my own way and with my available tools, but this case was different.  Probably because he, too, is the father of two young daughters, and because of our shared values and interests, his situation touched my core.  By supporting him and his family through their ordeal, I was actually dealing with my feelings about my family, work life and mortality; I was confronting myself.  “Who am I?  What would I bring to this table?”  And so I did what I could, a bunch of little stuff that maybe helped him and his family a little bit.  Post cards, texts, letters and dog pictures; nothing extraordinary, but individually, each message conveyed a good thought; and collectively they represented my good will.

Oliver

Long story short, he has returned to work and a “normal” life, and our friendship, stronger than ever, continues.  He wrapped up his journey with a mass e-mail (excerpt below), and in this note he kind of beat me to the punch about potential lessons learned:

“I learned I want to be more like all of you.   I thought I was a decent guy before this, but I want to strive to be a better dad, husband, son, brother, nephew, uncle, cousin, co-worker, friend, neighbor, and person.  One last thing, I learned I want to be a better (insert preferred avocation here).   Not because being a good (stated preference) is important, but because it gives me a lot of pleasure and happiness, and that’s the kind of thing with which we should fill our days.  At least when we're not hugging our kids.”

Here’s what I had contemporaneously shared with him:

“I’ve awaited your return with patient hope.  I’m so glad you’re back.  I also wanted to be able to express that your family’s journey has been important to me, and I hoped I’d be able to phrase my personal expression of its importance well.  Now I don’t have to, because you’ve truly captured what I’ve been formulating and ruminating.  Your quiet strength has been inspiring; I always know I can be better, both as a person, but also to my family.  I know there’s no single path to follow, but as I’ve stressed to others (and need to remind myself); it’s not about results, it’s about the process.  This particular process has sucked, and the results have been great (THESE CANNOT BE OVER-EMPHASIZED); but additionally and hopefully, you’ve reminded everybody you’ve touched that our small acts (the process that we can influence; "how" we live) are collectively meaningful (when perceived as results.)”

So “Who am I?”  I’m my kids’ Dad and my wife’s husband.  I’m here to hug them.  I’m empirically an optimist (?),  and my small acts may have both internal and external benefits.  I’ve been fortunate to cultivate intense interests, and to have the time and resources to practice them.  I’m smart enough to enjoy them and to share them with loved ones.  Every so often, I need to remember these lessons and embrace them.

A Really Good-Looking Family, Islamorada, Florida - 2011